Relentless oppositional behavior exhausts and frustrates parents of children with attachment disorder.  To respond in a skillful way, first, we need to understand the subjective experience the child is having.
The Child’s Internal Experience:

Children with a history of trauma, abuse or neglect often live in a hypervigilant state.  Their prior life experiences have wired them to be “on guard” waiting for the next slight or injury.  These children experience a strong need to be in control of all situations to avoid being re-injured.

Often regular parental limit setting, such as denying a desired item, or a change in plans that rules out a hoped for event, can result in dysregulation and tantruming.   The child experiences the “no” as a deprivation which the child is emotionally or neurologically unable to cope with.  The child becomes “triggered,” or emotionally flooded, and the parasympathetic nervous system is overloaded.  The child has few skills to cope.  In the limbic system, the child is flooded with adrenaline stress hormones, and is caught in a “fight or flight or freeze” response.  The child is caught in the Reptilian brain and has difficulty accessing the logic centers in the prefrontal cortex to reason his way of the dilemma.

Three Strategies for Managing Oppositional & Defiant Behavior:

The Goal is to stay connected to the child during the period of dysregulation.  As a parent, you are successful if you can demonstrate to the child that the child’s tantruming process is “contained” by you.  This does not mean that you stop the tantrum.  It simply means that you demonstrate you can handle whatever the child throws at you without moving into a rejecting, shaming or an outwardly angry/rageful stance yourself.  The

Initial Goal is to attempt to anticipate and head off the tantrum before it starts.  The following techniques can be helpful in this.  Once a child’s tantrum has reached a certain point, however, there is no return, and the child is so dysregulated the tantrum must run its course.  It is as if a “storm front” needs to pass through.  Afterward, the child is often able regulate.  Always the goal is to soothe, co-regulate, and to set limits and gain cooperation without a power struggle

1)  Paradoxical Intervention:  With this tool, you give permission to the child in a calm, non-reactive tone of voice to do the unwelcome behavior while spelling out the ramifications or consequences they will face if they do the behavior.  Often children with attachment disorder have an instinctive need to make you feel the anger and upset they feel inside.  Their behavior is unconsciously geared to do so.  When you give them permission to do the negative action, and allow them the choice, many times they will pull back from the negative action.  For example:

 

• Parent to child:  “Time for dinner, please come to the table.”
• Child to parent:  “No, I’m gonna go next door to Tom’s”
• Parent to child:  “You could do that.  I know it would be fun to play.  Just be aware you would lose priviledges and could not go on the field trip.  But you could do it.”
• Then give space by walking away and letting the child decide.
• Avoid making the child feel like you are controlling him or telling him what to do.
• He is “hard wired” to show he is in charge and oppose you.  Therefore, leave him with the choice and follow through on the consequence if the choice is a poor one.
• If necessary, later enforce consequences when child is regulated

2)        Therapeutic Communication:
Languaging to help child regulate and digest his feelings:

Using Joining and Therapuetic Mirroring

The goal is to help the child feel understood, and to assist the child through the Co-regulation of affect.

1) Describe the problem from child’s eyes (Examples):

“You don’t want to quit having fun”

“You did not like it when John said a mean comment”

“You really want to use the computer right now and it is very frustrating you

2)  Describe / Mirror the feeling the child is experiencing:

“You are angry and frustrated.”

“You did not like what John said.  It felt like a put down”

“You don’t like the school policy of no computer use during this time.”

“When I tell you can’t do what you want it must seem really unfair and mean

and I bet it makes you feel like I don’t care about you.”

3) Normalize the feelings / Join / Take child’s side:

“I’d probably feel irritated at having to end something I was really enjoying too.”

“I’d probably feel hurt and irritated if someone said something I did not like too.”

“I’d be frustrated if I could not use the computer too.”

 

4) Ask for positive behavior for the child to get what he wants:

“If you can be part of class right now and participate, you can play again at

recess.”

“If you can talk calmly now, we can talk to John about what upset you.”

“If you can leave the computer alone right now, I can help you use it during

the computer class “

 

3) Engage the Child with PACE

PACE is a powerful set of tools for joining and connecting to help prevent episodes of dysregulation, or to sooth a child through an episode in progress.   Engage the child with PACE when it appears she is heading toward dysregulation.  Always talk in a positive, non-angry tone.

 

Example:  Child is playing with spiderman and superhero figures and refuses to pick up his toys and come into the house when asked.
Playfulness  —

Play alongside the child for a moment or two.  Then have superman figure say to spiderman, “what do you say we fly home for dinner.  I’m kinda hungry!”  Spiderman Man I would love to be able to do the same thing – tell my boss I won’t teach today!  Hey you are good at telling me you won’t do things you don’t want to do!  Do you think you could use some of your magic and get me out of having to teach today?
Acceptance –

You are having a really hard time today (said with compassion)

“I am sorry it is so hard.”  “I wish I didn’t have to live by the rules sometimes too.”
Curiosity  — I wonder what is different today?  Yesterday you were willing to take out your book”
Empathy

“It can be hard having authority figures tell you what to do all day.  I get it!  Sometimes you just want to be your own boss!”

4)  Avoid anger, sarcasm, controlling him, power struggle or the child will escalate further.

Children with Attachment Difficulties do better when given a directive, if parent gives the direction and then walks away so child has time, space to comply

Avoid putting oxygen on the fire.

Respond vs. React

Self-Monitor to avoid coming across as negatively evaluating, judging or criticizing as this presentation will trigger the child.